Last update: 14th of December 1998.

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* Important information about The Goodtimes Email Virus
* What you should know before making upgrades
* Yesterday

Virus Alert

List of newly discovered viruses

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.

MIKE ROTCH VIRUS: It just hurts.

SHIMPY BULLY VIRUS: Inflates itself to a size bigger than any other files, threatens some and then deletes itself.

THE SAM NEWMAN VIRUS: only attack younger files

THE DENNIS RODMAN VIRUS: the desktop pattern/picture/color changes radically every 2 or 3 days.

CAITIE VIRUS: Beats up all the other viruses.

THE MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS: Visit's your Hard Drive about thirty times, each time your hard drive's screwed.

THE HILARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files dissappear only to turn up years later in another directory.

BILL GATES VIRUS: Buys out all other files and then charges them to run.

THE BORG VIRUS: It quickly assimilates your computer, Resistance is futile.

SAILOR MOON VIRUS: Easily deleted but comes back 1000 years later and kicks you hard drive's royal ass.

TITANIC VIRUS: Makes your whole computer go down.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after one byte.

PROZAC VIRUS: Messes up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

SHARON STONE VIRUS: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

TONYA HARDING VIRUS: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

TIM ALLEN VIRUS: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS: Won't let you into any of your programs.

Dr. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

MARTHA STEWART VIRUS: Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies displayed on your desktop.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

WOODY ALLEN VIRUS: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

GEORGE MICHAELS VIRUS: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

X-FILES VIRUS: All your Icons start shape shifting.

SPICE GIRL VIRUS: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory from your computer.

THE BILL CLINTON VIRUS: All your files mysteriously disappear, and when you ask it where they went, it keeps reverting to its former statement.

GRAFFITI VIRUS: Makes colorful CD's and floppys.

HANSON VIRUS - MMMBops your hard drive to zero.

YOU STINK! VIRUS - No matter how many times you take a shower a day, it tells you that you still stink.

BRITNEY SPEARS VIRUS - Let me crash your computer one more time.

PLAYTEX VIRUS - Gently glides onto your hard drive.

PLAYBOY VIRUS - Turns your computer icons into the Playboy bunny.

YO MAMA VIRUS - Why is yo mama crashing my computer?!

McDONALD'S VIRUS - Billions served.

YEAST VIRUS - Gives you an unexpected yeast infection and gets worse every 2 hours.

HAWAIIAN PUNCH VIRUS - Punches you in the face when you least expect it.

JENNY CRAIG VIRUS - Tells you to go on a diet no matter how much you weigh.

BYE BYE BYE VIRUS - Tells you to say "bye bye bye" to your crashing computer.

TWIX VIRUS - Creamy chocolate caramel crunch destined to overwrite your hard drive.

BARNEY VIRUS - turns your computer screen purple.

1-800-COLLECT VIRUS - Tells you every 3 seconds to dial 1-800-C-O-L-L-E-C-T.

PHIL JOEL VIRUS - Phil could never be a virus, he's too cool.

(In case you haven't figured it out: listed viruses do not exist.)

The Goodtimes Email Virus

Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead. Such is the power of Goodtimes; it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.

That is all, you've been warned.

What you should know before making upgrades

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before). Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

I myself have decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfrend 4.0 on top of Girlfriend 3.0. You must first uninstall Girlfriend 3.0, or conflicts will result from the shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I sould have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfreind 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfreind have annoying little messages about upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT: All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an " insufficient system resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and NEVER run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems. Don't even think about a shared directory!

Good luck with your current software version!


     All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
     Now my database has gone away.
     Oh I believe in yesterday.
     There"s not half the files there used to be,
     And there"s a milestone
     hanging over me
     The system crashed so suddenly.
     I pushed something wrong
     What it was I could not say.
     Now all my data"s gone
     and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
     The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
     I knew my data was all here to stay,
     Now I believe in yesterday.


There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive
any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply
handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT START IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and
those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at
"work" have found that their social life is deleted and their
brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work"
at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with
the words "I've had enough of your crap...  I'm off to the pub."
The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain.

If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the
document and drag the "work" to your garbage can.  Put on your
hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and
order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this
action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be
of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest
cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do
NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the
"work" virus has already corrupted your life.